The First Lines...

of stories I have yet to write (or might never write),

The woman wearing a white tank top and a gray snakeskin-patterned skirt had a smoldering cigarette dangling out of her mouth.

“Now what?” he asked the woman who was lying in bed naked next to him.

“Phil Van Dyke is wondering how many more ex-girlfriends are going to find him on Facebook,” read his status message.

Mike would have been just fine if he hadn’t been stupid enough to ask the guy why everyone calls him “Animal.”

“You said what! That she was starting to look fat?”

Denise was boiling her butt plugs in a pot on the stove when the doorbell rang.

What came to be known as the “Shit Commencement Address” was delivered on May 12, 2007 at Gavinhurst University by famed IT entrepreneur Ted Upartyski.

"No, you most certainly can not borrow my Mustang again."

Let's just say that getting a full cavity search at the airport before your vacation officially begins is a pretty good indicator that your trip is not going to be filled with rest and relaxation.